Heine's Humor

HEINE'S HUMOR

Steve Heine has been saving some of his favorite jokes to share with fellow North Siders.  If you have any jokes you would like to share with your classmates, please send to Steve Heine

 

Patty Lewton Horoho 5/7/2019 

CLASS REUNIONS

Every ten years, as summertime nears, an announcement arrives a reunion is planned.  It’ll be really grand.  Make plans to attend without fail.

I’ll never forget the first time we met.  We tried so hard to impress.  We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars, and wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair.  The whole class was there.  It was held at a fancy hotel.  We wined, dined, and acted refined.  Everyone thought it was swell.

The men all versed about who had been first to achieve great fortune and fame.  Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses and how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean, now weighed in at one-ninety-six.  The jocks who were there had all lost their hair, and the cheer leaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd who’d guided a spacecraft to the moon; or the poor little Jane, who’s always been plain, married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we’d decreed “most apt to succeed” was serving ten years in the pen, while the one voted “least” now was a priest.  Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys who seemed to have aged the least.  Another was given to the grad who had driven the farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.  Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini.  You never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether they impressed their classmates or not.  The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal.  By this time we’d all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors at the lake shores.  We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.  Then most of us lay around in the shade in our comfortable t-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear.  We were definitely over the hill.  Those who weren’t dead had to crawl out of bed and be home in time for their pill.

And now I can’t wait as they’ve set the date for our sixtieth I’m told.  It should be a ball.  They’ve rented a hall at the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid.  My pacemaker’s been turned up on high.  My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled.  I’ve bought a new wig and glass eye.

I’m feeling quite hearty; I’m ready to party; I’ll dance until dawn’s early light.  It’ll be lots of fun.  I hope at least one other person can make it that night.

Stan Needham Jokes 5/4/2019

  • To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows Presidential potential.
  • If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
  • A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
  • A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
  • A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Go around me.
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
  • I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
  • I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  • Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
  • When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

Steve Heine Jokes

  • The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything."
  • R.I.P. boiled water.  You will be mist.
  • I used to hate facial hair, but then it gew on me.                
  • What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?  An orca-stra.
  • When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 

There will be more to come. ha ha ha!!!!!!!